


The Avengers' Do Not List or Never Do Again List

by 1thy_truth_is_won0



Series: Avengers' Do Not List [2]
Category: Avengers (Comic), Captain America (2011), Iron Man (Movies), Spider-Man (Comicverse), The Avengers (2012), Thor (2011)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Noodle Incidents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-04
Updated: 2014-06-25
Packaged: 2017-10-30 15:00:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 4,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/333014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1thy_truth_is_won0/pseuds/1thy_truth_is_won0
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What it says on the tin. These are "do not" lists for each individual Avenger. Have fun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Shall Not

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Deutsch available: [The Avengers' Do Not List or Never Do Again List](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3270077) by [Alessia_Skyler](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alessia_Skyler/pseuds/Alessia_Skyler)



> I may continue this, if readers let me know if I should.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a prompt fill at capkink

**I Shall Not**

**Thor**

 

By Decree of Director Fury of SHIELD, the following shan't be attempted ever again by honor of Thor Odinson (with explanations from Thor)

1\. I shall not advance Ms. Lewis' taser so that it may fire lightening (It was for her protection from monstrous creatures, frat boys I believe they are called).

2\. I shall not join forces with Steve Rogers and engage in drinking contests with unwitting opponents.

3\. I shall not say anything more about the Destroyer to Tony Stark (However, I do not believe this will keep him from finishing his prototype).

4\. I shall not destroy anymore toasters.

5\. I also shall not destroy anymore microwaves, refrigerators, and clocks. Or melt toilet seats (I will freely admit that was an accident, I was trying to get rid of boiling Ramen).

6\. I shall not challenge anyone else to duels to the death, even if they dishonor Ms. Foster, Ms. Lewis, and Ms. Romanov (I understand that Ms. Romanov is a skilled warrior but it was the principle of the thing, and Barton was indisposed at the time).

7\. I shall not mention The Incident with the Goat (It explains what happen to the television set though).

8\. I shall not insist on musicals for movie night (I still believe this is a bit unreasonable).

9\. I shall not go to the grocery store, film rentals places, or anywhere else in full armor and Asgardian wear (This is also unreasonable- it was after a battle and Jane asked me to pick up some necessities on my return).

10\. I shall not subject any SHIELD recruits to Asgardian warrior training (They requested it).


	2. Seven Misdeeds and Some Explanations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now its Steve's turn

**Seven Misdeeds and Some Explanations**

**  
**

**Captain Rogers**

  
I, Steve Rogers, submit to the orders of Director Fury to never again do the following:  
  
Note: Rogers made protests  
  
1\. Engage in a drinking contest, especially with Thor as partner and Anthony Stark as head bookmaker. (All proceeds went to charity.)  
  
2\. Attempt to make noodle soup (Ramen). (It was my first time using the stove and Thor was the one who melted the toilet seat.)  
  
3\. Switch places with the Human Torch to see if people would notice. (I did that ONE time and lost that bet!)  
  
4\. Have all day, everyday Power Rangers marathons. (Hey! That was for cultural study, according to Tony.)  
  
5\. Have Anthony Stark upgrade motorcycle. (Too late, sorry.)  
  
6\. Have any sort of contest with Clint Barton. (That was for charity.)  
  
7\. Mention the Goat Incident. (Don't worry about it. I want to forget.)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tony's next. The question is what took so long?


	3. There Is No Refuge in Audacity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is about Iron Man, and yes it took me this long.

### There Is No Refuge in Audacity

**Iron Man**

**  
**

**From the Desk of V. Pepper Potts, E.A.**   
  
_I forwarded the first draft Code of Conduct to Mr. Stark. I will say that I will put forth my best efforts to keep him in line, but I really cannot make any promises.  
  
Attached are his comments on the code. I warned you. _   
  
  


**CODE OF CONDUCT: WILL NEVER DO AGAIN**  
  
 **1\. There will no more events in which Anthony Stark acts as instigator and bookmaker of gambling.**  
  
While impressive, Thor and Steve out-drinking Agents Wheeler and Mason, is hardly an event. And I haven't profited from this or any other betting pools.  
  


  
 **2\. In connection to the former, Anthony Stark will not organize any more public events concerning the Avengers.**  
  
Me, organize? Ha! That's Pepper. And why not? The kids love them.  
  


  
 **3\. Goats are no longer allowed in the Avenger Mansion. Or on the grounds of the Avenger Mansion. Or even 50 feet _from_ the Avenger Mansion.**  
  
Okay. How about donkeys? Monkeys? No, no good, too bad.  
  


  
 **4\. There will be no more unnecessary upgrades to the belongings of fellow Avengers.**  
  
Well, the Avenger Mansion is still legally mine, so its getting laser guns, a force-field perimeter and a skating rink.  
  


  
 **5\. The production of the Destroyer prototype will cease.**  
  
Don't worry. I stopped, I finished it.  
  


  
 **6\. There will no more hacking into government databases and unlawful seizures.**  
  
Yeah, well, they started it. All I wanted to do was get my property back.  
  


  
 **7\. There will be no more interfering in Captain Rogers and Thor's Earth cultural education.**  
  
Okay, I will admit that was mistake with the Rodgers and Hammerstein and the Power Rangers marathons, but I have an idea- I'm weaning Thor with _Repo! The Genetic Opera_ and _Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog_. With Steve, its a bit more tricky, but Ms. Lewis says she has a few recommendations.  
  


  
 **8\. Janet van Dyne-Pym aka The Wasp is not to be referred to as "Tinker Bell."**  
  
What? She liked it. She told me so. Even her avatar is Tinker Bell.  
  


  
 **9\. Do not annoy Dr. Banner. In fact, unless absolutely necessary, do not _talk_ to Dr. Banner. **  
  
That's cold and mean. I'm telling.  
  


  
 **10\. There will be no "Genius Team-Up" with Dr. Pym, Dr. Foster, Dr. Banner and Mr. Parker to make an alcoholic drink than would affect Captain Rogers.**  
  
Sorry, but the lab and brewery is all set-up, the equipment is ready and everyone is on board. Including Steve.  
  


  
 **11\. Dismiss the S-Expo dancers.**  
  
What? They've been paid in full, so why not use them? Everyone seems to love them.  
  


  
 **12\. The video of Agent Barton and Mr. Parker "quip-off" will not be posted as you advertised.**  
  
Already happened, and it got 20,000 hits the first hour. And before you throw me in prison, I took all necessary precautions, had Barton's and Peter's permission, they are MASKED, as in they are in full uniform, so their identities are protected and all proceeds went to charity.  
  


  
 **13\. The plan to adopt Mr. Parker will cease.**  
  
I wasn't serious. That was just to scare Peter and I had full permission from Mrs. Parker to do so. By the way, the Parkers are moving in :D

 

 **14\. Stop referring to Miss Lewis as "Poli-Sci Co-ed with Awesome Rack," "Ms. Bespectacled and Hot," and "Short, Dark and Buxom." We are absolutely serious this time.**  
  
And I am absolutely not in the wrong. Miss Lewis is not offended, in fact she encourages this! She came up with Short, Dark and Buxom. And we're working on a new one- something to go with snarky. Plus, she calls me "The Dude with the Fermilab," "Glow-heart" and "Most Awesome Mecha EVER."  
  


  
 **15\. You are not to teach anyone how to drive.**  
  
Oh please. I'm the only one who is crazy enough to let Thor behind the wheel, but Peter is now getting lessons from Steve and Natasha.

 

 **Note** : The second draft could not be forwarded, its size almost shut down SHIELD databases due to the additions.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I continue. Who should be next? I will like to see comments.


	4. Strongly Recommend

**Strongly Recommend**

**The Hulk**

**  
**

Dr. Banner,

The following is a code of conduct of sorts in view of past incidents; we strongly recommend that you adhere to this code.

  1. Stay away from Tony Stark.
  2. Please stop being vague about your condition. Just tell aggravators that you’re the Hulk.
  3. It is noted that reacquiring your dog from Brazil is a good thing, however, the dog is not permitted in SHIELD Headquarters, the labs, or the training areas. The dog is also not allowed near goats. 
  4. It is understood that Capoeira training is vital, but unless it is from a licensed instructor, you are not to request a slap on the face.
  5. Educational courses and training must be approved by SHIELD. The unapproved course _How To Survive in Unbearable Places_ will stop.  
  6. Please stop referring yourself as “Mr. Green.”
  7. The event _Hulk vs. Thor Smack Down_ will not be happening and just to be perfectly clear, _stay away from Tony Stark_.
  8. We have vehicles ready and available, and car services, so you are not to travel by taxi. 
  9. Please stop faking transformations just to get out of debriefings.



 

Thank you for your time,

 

Agent Kolinsky  
Human Resources  
Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division

 

**Hello,**

**I have looked over the list, and will have to disagree with a good portion of it and just go with my own judgment. I strongly suggest that my wishes be followed or I will be irritable. You wouldn’t want me irritable, would you?**

**Dr. Bruce Banner**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next is Ant-Man. Your request have not been ignored, only delayed.


	5. Letter of Protest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now its Ant-Man's turn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The people in my head love reviews.

**Letter of Protest**

****

**Ant-Man/Giant-Man**

Agent Hill,

I really must protest this “code of conduct,” since its hardly a code of conduct and more of a listofcomplaints. And I have my reasons for my actions. For example:

  * _You are to choose one alias._  
This is not so much my problem as it is your source of mild confusion. The names Ant-Man and Giant-Man were coined by my colleagues and they have stuck, so good luck trying to get them unstuck. Also, everyone knows who I am so an alias is moot. Just remember that when I’m small, I’m Ant-Man and when I’m big, I’m Giant-Man.  
  

  * _No, you cannot test the size alternating technology on Dr. Banner’s dog.  
_ I was never serious about that. I should also mentioned that the mission to shrink a submarine so as to go in and destroy the dog’s heartworm was also a joke, and that should be obvious since that’s the premise of _Fantastic Voyage_!  
  

  * _We do not care if it is for science, you are to stop analyzing super villains makeup and technology while in combat._  
And yet my analyzing is what gave me the upper hand many times.  
  

  * _Please stop studying Peter Parker._  
Fine, this was out of line since Peter is a minor, despite the fact that he wanted to further understand his mutations. We now have permission from Mrs. Parker, so we will be continuing.  
  

  * _When defeating mercenaries, super-villains, etc. remember to unshrink them and not leave them out to be insect chow.  
_ One time, that was one time and Janet made sure that they made it out okay enough to go to prison. 



Please don’t take this as me rebelling or dismissing SHIELD, only that the list was badly drawn up and had no bearing on my conduct.

Dr. Henry Pym, Ph.D


	6. The Tooth Fairy’s Bad Deeds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tinker Bell is a obvious nickname to call Wasp.

**The Tooth Fairy’s Bad Deeds**

**Wasp**

**  
**

Tony,

Hank and I both got this “code of conduct” and suffice to say that its rather annoying and stupid. We both decided to ultimately ignore them, but Hank went ahead and wrote a stern letter to the Human Resource department.  I wanted to get your advice on this, since you probably got one as well- scratch that, I want Pepper’s advice. Show this to Pepper.

Attached:

**Mrs. Van Dyne-Pym,**

**The following is a code of conduct prompted by past incidents. As a member of the Avengers Initiative, affiliated with SHIELD, it would be to your best interest to seriously consider it.**

  * **Please stop referring to yourself as Tinker Bell.**
  * **Please stop referring to yourself as Tinker Bell’s BAMF sister.**
  * **Stop pretending to be the Tooth Fairy.**
  * **Dr. Pym, Agent Romanov, Mr. Parker and you are not the Creepy Crawley** **Crew.**
  * **You are not to order the Hulk to attack others.**
  * **You are not to take Mr. Parker shopping. Or have Agent Romanov force him to join you. We do not care that it's for his own good.**
  * **You are to stop reenacting the scenes from _Ferngully: The Last Rainforest_ , _Sleeping Beauty_ , _Pinocchio, Peter Pan_ and _A Midsummer’s Night Dream._ And yes, we will continue to list new material. **



**We thank you for your time.**

Jan,

Pepper says to continue to ignore this and be mature about it. I say we throw a party and then hack into their mainframe to change their official code of conduct. Have them wear HAZMAT suits and go commando every Thursday for training. See ya Tinker Bell’s BAMF sister!

Tony


	7. Please Don't Declare War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now its the Black Panther. Please don't kill me if I got him wrong. All I know about him is from the Earth's Mightiest Heroes cartoon.

**Please Don’t Declare War**

**Black Panther**

His Royal Highness T'Challa of the Panther Tribe,

Here at SHIELD, we strive to use all options as solutions, the first being diplomacy and the rule of law. The following is a code of conduct and it is our hope that you will understand that this is for the good of the Avengers Initiative, SHIELD and the country of Wakanda.

  * Stop taking advantage of the ignorance of Wakanda, therefore no more Wakandan Rain Dance, Rite of Virility, Death Match and Washing Ceremony.
  * The heart shape herb is not poisonous, stop saying that it is.
  * Yes, you are to wear appropriate attire to formal functions. No, the Panther suit does not count as formal attire. 
  * While pleased that Stark has been one-upped, stop hacking into his system.
  * The Super Rooftop Race between Agent Barton, Mr. Parker, and yourself will not be happening.
  * Please stop declaring war. 



We thank you for your time.

Agent Kolinsky  
Human Resources  
Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division

 

**To the SHIELD Human Resource,**

**I, King T'Challa** **of the Panther Tribe, challenge your department to a Death Match of Honor. Also, I declare war.**

**Actually, this is not so, my apologies of making light of the situation. My council and I are currently reviewing this code of conduct with much consideration. Also, you are invited to the contest between myself, young Mr. Parker and Agent Barton, followed by a traditional Wakandan victory celebration. It will be involving fig leaves.**

**King T'Challa** **of the Panther Tribe**


	8. For Your Eyes ONLY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which SHIELD Human Resource Department makes a long list and it hardly matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is on the Black Widow. Hope its okay. Let me know. Also, two things on the list is not an attempt to slight fanfic writers, just an attempt at humor.

**  
**

**Black Widow**

**To Members of Avengers,**

**Here at SHIELD and the Avengers, we believe in the value of healthy professional relationships. The following Code of Conduct was created to encourage just that. This is confidential and is for the recipients only. Never show this to Agent Natasha Romanov.**

**Note: We will explain the reason for these regulations.**

_Avengers note: We also explained things._

  * **Do not challenge Agent Romanov**



**It is understood that friendly rivalry and testing one’s skill strengthens camaraderie. That said, it seems that whenever members of Avengers include Agent Romanov, it becomes an all-day, all-out event that ends in insurances rates going up along with hospital bills. So Agent Romanov will not be bothered.  
  
** _What if she started it? What if there’s an event (Saturday 7:00 P.M. EST) where people can challenge Black Widow, and if the challenger can survive for 3 minutes against her, will get $250,000 to a charity of their choice?_  
  


  * **Agent Romanov’s combat course is not the “Hot Amazon Fight” or” WWE Hotness,” so stop referring to it as such**



**The misnomers are disrespectful and in violation of SHIELD Employers Article 127.8 A under Harassment Prevention.  
  
** _It was not done out of disrespect, but in recognition of the instructors’ skill and appeal.By the way, Black Widow was the one who came up with WWE Hotness._ **  
  
**

  * **Do not speak in fake Russian accent while in her presence or ever**



**Insulting one’s first language and country is in direct violation of Article 150.1 C under Tolerance. Also, this is for your own self-preservation.**

_We are not that stupid. Alcohol was main factor in that one time.  
  
_

  * **Never bring up Agent Romanov’s previous work or anything about her past  
All agents’ personal files and work range from _Confidential_   (C) to _Top Secret_ (TS) to _Never Reveal_ (NR), and Agent Romanov in under NR. This is a matter of national security and the personal safety of a human being. Anyone who leaks out this information will be arrested for treason.  
  
** ****



_Again, we are not idiots. Besides, what we know is NOT a matter of national security. What we know is that she likes School House Rock songs.  
  
_

  * **Do not call certain body parts “Pair of Rushmores”  
Again, this is in violation of SHIELD Employers Article 127.8 A under Harassment Prevention.  
  
** ****



_Talk to Darcy Lewis.  
  
_ ****

  * **If questioned by Agent Romanov, always speak truthfully and promptly  
As an agent of SHIELD, respect is to be given.  
  
** ****



_She is also an Avenger and already has our respect and trust. As we have earned hers.  
  
_

  * **Do not ask about Agent Romanov dating life  
This is related to Agent Romanov’s NR status, just not to the high degree of her past work. No personal information is to be given.    
  
**
  * **Do not ask about Agent Romanov social life in general  
This is also related to Agent Romanov’s NR status.** **  
  
** _As we stated before, she is also an Avenger and she will not be betrayed by us.  
  
_ ****
  * **When Agent Romanov is ill, do not present a kitten to her  
Concerning past incidents, and dealing with PETA and ASPCA, this is ill-advised and will never be attempted again.  
  
** _It was one time and cat was fine and it has been since happily adopted._ _We do, though we still mourn for a certain four-legged beast that ate paper and went “Maa.”_ **  
  
**
  * **The fan fiction will stop  
Concerning the aftermath of the Black Widow RPF site, all that can said is that this is ill-advised.  
  
**
  * **The fan art will stop  
The reasons for this regulation is in connection of the RPF site.  
  
** _We didn’t create that stuff. Its not our fault that Widow has some creepy fans. Besides, you might want to see the Iron Man and Captain America stuff  
  
_ ****
  * **You are to never cast _Schoolhouse Rock_ in negative light, nor refer to her liking it.  
  
  
** ****
  * **In connection of the former, do not request for Agent Romanov to sing the following: _  
  
*Figure Eight  
*A Noun Is A Person, Place, or Thing  
*The Tale of Mr. Morton  
*Inter-Planet Janet  
  
_**
  * **Unless this was not made clear, never show her this list**



**If this Code of Conduct is made known, it will be in violation Article 560.E F.  
  
** _Too late. Sorry._

**We thank you for your time,**

**  
Agent Kolinsky  
Human Resource Department  
Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division**

**SHIELD Memo**

**On Behalf of the Human Resource Department:**

**Agent Romanov,**

**You are not to kill anyone unless specifically ordered to.**

I will follow to the best of my ability but I cannot make any promises.


	9. You Are Being Watched

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now its Hawkeye's turn.

**You Are Being Watched**

**Clint Barton  
Hawkeye  
  
**

FROM: barton.clint@shield.gov  
DATE: Saturday, October 16, 2014, 3:30PM  
TO: coulsonp@shield.gov  
Subject: Read This

Coulson **,**

What the hell is Kolinsky and his people smoking? Everyone is getting this! What did Stark do to piss them off and punish us all? Look at this!

**Agent Barton,**

**By orders of Director Fury, the following is to be never done again:**

  * **Revenge is not an acceptable reason to use SHIELD resources, SHIELD agents and fellow Avengers to go on unauthorized missions.**
  * **There will be no more live "quip-off" broadcasts with fellow Avengers and SHIELD agents.  
**
  * **You are to stop recommending running away to join the circus to minors.**
  * **Stop trying to have Dr. Banner laugh when he is the Hulk.**
  * **You are no longer to use your old contacts for acquisition such as trampolines, tents, mini-cars, rings of fire and especially goats.**
  * **There will be no motorcycles race between yourself, Captain Rogers and Mr. Parker.**
  * **The course _How to Get on Natasha’s Non-murderous Side_ is an unapproved course and will cease. **
  * **You are not to leave a suspect in a dangerous situation such as an expanding G-dome that causes mutations.**
  * **Concerning past incidents, Poker Night will be regulated.**
  * **Agent Morse and yourself are no longer allowed access to Area 52.  
**



**Agent Kolinsky  
Human Resource Department  
Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division**

**PS- We will find out if you disobey**

FROM: coulsonp@shield.gov  
DATE: Saturday, October 16, 2014, 3:30PM  
TO: barton.clint@shield.gov  
Subject: RE: Read This

Barton,

Don‘t fight it unless you want to end up like Pym. If anything write an apology letter, or at least don't send it to Hill.

Coulson


	10. Rite of Passage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spider-Man has earned his own code of conduct.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been lent the smart-alecness for Peter from my little brother. Let me know if it works.

FROM: pb.parker@midtown.edu  
DATE: Thursday, April 16, 2014, 11:38PM  
TO: iam.ironman@starkindustries.com  
Subject: I Finally Got One!

Tony,

My Avenger membership is now official. SHIELD just sent me my own Code of Conduct.  I think I’m getting a cupcake for this. The original list was kind of boring, so I modified it.

Peter

 

FROM: iam.ironman@starkindustries.com  
DATE: Friday, April 17, 2014, 10:05AM  
TO:  pb.parker@midtown.edu  
Subject: RE: I Finally Got One!

Peter,

Congratulations kid. Read it over, pretty impressive. Told Pepper and Steve, they don’t seem happy about it for some reason.

Tony                                           

**Presenting Spider-Man’s Do Not List**

**Commentary by your Friendly Neighborhood Web-head**

**_Commentary also by his fellow Avengers_ **

  * **There will be no badges for the _Creepy Crawly Crew_ and you are to take down the website. **  
  
Peter: Fine then, but I’m keeping the hats.  
Tony: Hats? And a website? Kid, I would’ve gone for a parade, and banners lit by fire and fireworks. And dancing girls.  
Janet: The website can’t be taken down- we finally gotten the contact page working.



 

  * **As a minor, it would be inappropriate for you to take any part in the brewing or drinking of alcohol, especially since your efforts managed to inebriate Captain Rogers.** **  
  
**Peter: It was his birthday. Besides I only took sips and there were adults there.  
Thor: All young warriors should join their brethren in a drink to victory.  
Steve: That was a fun birthday. 



**  
**

  * **You are to be at the Avenger Mansion by 0:00 hour and call if late; also you must have permission if you are staying the night at another residence.  
  
** Peter: I already have Aunt May on my back about curfew. Trust me; I won’t stay out too late. **  
**Steve: I believe your aunt is the reason why this rule is here.



  * **Yes, all your acquaintances will be getting background checks. This is not up for negotiation.  
  
** Peter: Seriously, how many people do I even know? Like, three and you know all about them. **  
**Tony: I’m going to play “Responsible Adult” here- Peter, we’re doing this for you own good since you seem to have a habit of dating girls with crazy criminal families and friends who swear revenge on Spider-Man. We want to be prepared. Done now, I am myself again. Yes, this is stupid especially since JARVIS keeps tabs on you anyway. **  
  
**
  * **Stop suggesting ideas for Avengers theme events.  
  
** Peter: Oh come on, Taco Night was a great night. And don’t tell me you guys didn’t like the Super Heroine Mud Wrestling competition.  
Tony: I back the kid up this one. **  
**T’Challa: I wish to inquire more on the motorcycle race in which Agent Barton and Captain Rogers are participating in. **  
  
**
  * **Stop consulting in matters of upgrades and additions to the Avenger Mansion.  
  
** Peter: Yeah, we needed those sound proof walls- my room is next to the Pyms. And Thor is right across the hall. I hear things. ::Shudder::  
Tony: Don’t see it as trauma but an education.  
Thor: I will consider your feelings in the future Peter. **  
  
**
  * **There will be no more eating contests between Thor and yourself.  
  
** Peter: That wasn’t a contest, that’s how we normally eat.  
Thor: All warriors feast after a victory.  
Clint: That pic got a lot of hits. The betting came on its own. **  
  
**
  * **You are to stop your attempts on inventing a Memory gun. We want to forget _Breaking Dawn_ too but unfortunately, we do have more important matters… somehow.  
  
** Peter: Liars, you so want it to work.  
Dr. Banner: Yeah, they do. We all do.  
Dr. Pym: Science is to be used for the betterment of mankind. So, yes, we should continue the project. **  
  
**
  * **No more _Captain America_ movie marathons.  
  
** Peter: Hey, don’t knock my patriotism.   
Janet: Yeah, patriotism, that’s we all watch it.  
Natasha: I can be honest and say why we watch CA films- to tease Rogers. **  
  
**
  * **No more Mel Brooks marathons.  
  
** Peter: I will not consent to this. **  
**T’Challa: I will declare war if this comes to pass. **  
  
**
  * **No more _Phineas & Ferb _marathons.  
  
**Peter: That is just cruel. **  
**Clint: Yeah, it’s probably the only good show Disney had since they destroyed _So Weird_ , but there are only so many songs and watching a sister try to bust her brothers a grown man can take.  
  

  * **You will be supervised when in the labs and Dr. Banner’s dog is not allowed access.  
  
** Peter: Two words: Spider-dog. Seriously.  
Dr. Banner: Peter, no.  
Dr. Pym: At least they’re not taking the miniature submarine plot serious anymore. **  
  
**
  * **Prank Wars are not a team building exercise.  
  
** Peter: Says you.  
Steve: Says Director Fury. 



**  
**

  * **Going on an unapproved mission to take on a high priority enemy of SHIELD is also not a team-building exercise.  
  
** Peter: That was not unapproved, I approved it myself. I have a stamp and everything.    
Steve: Where’d you get the stamp? I am going to have a talk with your aunt. **  
  
**
  * **You are to stop using the Hulk to test the webbing’s durability.  
  
**
  * **Also, stop using the Hulk to test the durability of the _vibrarium_ -reinforced suit. We don’t care that Dr. Banner approved it.  
  
**Peter: Hey, he never said no. **  
**Dr. Banner: What are they talking about? I didn’t I say no to what? **  
  
**
  * **The only false identifications you can have are ones issued by SHIELD.  
  
** Peter: So I can break the law just as long as you’re enabling me? I’m getting a mixed message here.  
Natasha: Mixed or not, its regulations. 



**  
**

  * **The Iron Spider Suit is not for skywriting. Or getting into concerts. Or ending arguments such as _Peeta Does Deserve Katniss_ by saying “I have a Rocket Suit!”  
  
** Peter: But it’s true, I do have a rocket suit. Okay, the correct term is powered armor suit. Also, Peeta/Katniss Forever!  
Clint: Peeta is nice guy, but Katniss is just as good with Gale.  
Steve: I don’t have a rocket suit, but Peeta and Katniss belong together. **  
  
**
  * **While a fire-resistant suit is practical, it cannot be used in the proposed _Spider-Man vs. Human Torch_.  
  
** Peter: You all know you want to see it. **  
  
**
  * **The following is to be no to be longer requested:**
    * **Vanity plates for the Spider cycle**
    * **Glow-in-the-dark webbing**
    * **pet mini-Doombot**  
  
Peter: I’m still fighting for the vanity plates.



 

  * **No, we will not be holding a memorial for the goat.  
** Peter: Spider-Goat should be honored.  
Tony: And he will.  
  




**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Thor, Iron Man, Captain America or any other Marvel characters. I have no money, and no connections to the comic book and film industry, so I have no chance to own anything.


	11. Letter of Apology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Agent Coulson wants to say that he's sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may continue this, should I? Let me know in the comments.

Letter of Apology

 

To the heads and fellow agents of SHIELD,

 

I would like to express my deep regrets for certain occurrences and apologize for my actions, for these were inappropriate, disrespectful and lacked the professionalism ones would expect from an employee of SHIELD. I will state the specific actions as followed:

  * Instigation of the Goat Incident 
  * Giving approval for the courses such as Agent Barton’s How to Get on Natasha’s Non-murderous Side, Dr. Banner’s How To Survive in Unbearable Places, Thor’s combat training, and the various training courses taught by Mr. Stark 
  * Giving approval for the Genius Team-up brewing project 
  * Giving Mr. Stark’s approval for Avenger’s related events 
  * Asking Captain Rogers for autographs or have him appear on the Captain America Appreciation Group’s movie night 



While I cannot alter what has transpired, I have taken steps to ensure that similar incidents and misunderstandings will not occur in the future. Examples being:

  * I am to prioritize when I am undercover- therefore I cannot use SHIELD legal apartment to fix the Midtown High School’s budget 
  * I am not to participate in attempt to traumatize a minor; i.e. not acting as a reference when Tony Stark was in the process of adopting Peter Parker 



 

I value our professional relationship and firmly believe that our teamwork will continue to produce solid work that will benefit SHIELD and our country.

 

 

Sincerely,

Agent Phillip Coulson

 

Ps- I will be giving a eulogy for the goat.


	12. In Memoriam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today, we remember a noble friend, a friend that lived life to the fullest- Spider-Goat.

**In Memoriam**

**Spider-Goat**

**2007- 2012**

 

Today, we remember a noble friend, a friend that lived life to the fullest- Spider-Goat.

Now Spider-Goat had a very conventional beginning, grew up on a farm, had a few little goats (Alma, Spidey Junior and Troll) and trained for the circus. But instead of going to the Big Top, he went to services at Avengers Tower. His tenure was short but memorable.

 

Unfortunately, because of certain regulations, we cannot divulge what those services were or the events of his last day (other than he provided wool for a truly exclusive sweater. Dr. Foster is grateful), so we bring out these things:

 

  * He took it well being put in a harness and being ridden on.  
  

  * Contrary to popular belief, he and the dog Grover Banner got along great.  
  

  * While a bit traumatizing, Spider-Goat did great with web-slinging and provided his own webbing, 100 % silk!  
  

  * He was awesome at Rock Band. Too bad he liked the flashy lights too much.   
  

  * Despite the end result, he did provide some comfort to Agent Romanoff (or at least, distraction).



 

Spider-Goat, you will never be forgotten, especially since the new regulation Article 168.0A: Treatment of Quad-pedal Mammals.

 

We salute to you Spider-Goat.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thinking about doing another do not list- don't know for who yet.


	13. An Announcement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have an announcement to make.

Hi, I started a sequel called Guides, Protocols and Apologies. The first chapter is for Kid Loki called Rules and Responsibilities, and some others I haven't done in the first one. Go check it out please.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Thor, Iron Man, Captain America or any other Marvel characters. I have no money, and no connections to the comic book and film industry, so I have no chance to own anything.


End file.
